I’m so exhausted, but I can’t see myself getting any sleep.
I’m lying here, wide awake, heart pounding, choking back tears, and I just wish more than anything that someone would hold me.
I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared and I have no one to talk to about why.
I just feel like giving up.
I wanna disappear.
Every time I’m feeling like this, I go to Tumblr and I just, vent. Not because I think anyone will care, if anything, I do it for the exact opposite reason- ‘Cause I know no one will ask me “What’s wrong” or worry about me, and at that moment, that’s what I want. I just want to get it all out of my system and not worry about people caring, or pretending to care.
But then I start thinking about it.. and I start feeling really lonely, and this part of me, deep inside, just wants to know someone cares.
And right now I wish that I could just call up my best friend and bawl my eyes out and tell him everything that’s wrong, and he’ll listen, and he’ll comfort me and he’ll tell me everything will be okay, and at least at that moment, I’ll believe him.
But instead, I’ll just bawl alone in my room, chasing away thoughts of pills and razors. I’ll deal with this on my own by venting about it to no one that will listen. And maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll exhaust myself enough to get some sleep.
There are certain things I shouldn’t talk about, because there are certain things that trigger me, and my nerves have me feeling like my stomach is in my throat, and I need a new way to breathe because I’m choking on air and I feel like I may hyperventilate at any moment.
And God, I’m scared I may have a relapse tonight… ._.